Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
