Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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