I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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