The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He shit in the fireplace
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
