I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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