she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
