What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
