i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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