Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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