I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
