she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
