I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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