i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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