Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
