A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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