Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
