Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
