The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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