3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
