I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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