Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
