Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
