Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
