I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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