She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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