i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
