You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
