drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
