Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I supernannyed him into submission
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize