I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
