I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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