When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
