Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
