Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
