Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
