Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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