I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
