Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
