I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
