dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
