he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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