her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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