my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
