Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
