So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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