whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
