I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
