Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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