I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
