thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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