there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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