remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
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Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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