The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
