my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
