So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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