Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
