There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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