bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
