1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
