is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
