Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
