The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
