Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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