So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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