just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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