gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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