Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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