here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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