I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
